widows_kiss | Appointments Post

[Pepper shakes her head slowly in silent reply; there are things she can't tell Natasha or anyone else. The heart of her nightmares had involved her own death, and Pepper will keep that secret for as long as she can manage it.

But other aspects she likely already knows; Bucky had been the unfortunate victim of the last time Pepper "let it out," and it's likely he's told her.]

Did he tell you? [She won't have to specify who; Natasha's clever enough to know just what she means.]

He told me.

[Natasha didn't need to ask for clarification - either on the who or the what. Her hand is still warm and loose around Pepper's as she studies her face, patient and still.]

Why didn't you?

[Her grip tightens unconsciously, and Pepper’s eyes remain focused into the distance, the shadows that linger in the corner of Natasha’s room. Even asked gently that question sparks so much guilt, because she should have told Natasha—warned them all, really. She’s a threat now. A danger. She could become the thing that kills them all.]

I didn’t want it to be real. [She still doesn’t, but it undeniably is, and Pepper swallows hard before she continues.] There was already so much—I was hoping that maybe they had taken it away.

[Or in such denial she believed it was possible.]

I’m sorry. I know I should have told you.

Pepper.

[She squeezes Pepper's hand lightly, watching her expression.] You don't need to apologize to me. I can understand that all too well. I wish, for your sake, that they had. Do you... do you want to tell me what happened now?

No. [An answer that comes all too easily, all too quickly. Though Natasha pardons her Pepper still feels the weight of it, because there are things she adamantly refuses to tell. One secret she'll keep safe no matter what happens is her very last memory of home. But there's more than just that, and though Bucky has already filled in many of the details, Pepper knows Natasha should hear it from her.

She doesn't want to tell. But she has to.]

They wanted to make Tony desperate, but it was more than that. I used to work for Killian, a long time ago. He was infatuated with me, and that never stopped. He wanted--[She sucks in a slow breath, her voice catching as she remembers looking into Killian's face, seeing him toy with the word.]

He wanted me for a trophy.

He used you as one of his test subjects.

[Natasha's voice is soft, her gaze steady on Pepper's. Even if she didn't know Killian, she'd known enough men like him. Too many. And she knew there was still more Pepper was holding back, but that was her right. She'd had enough taken from her. But controlling Extremis... that was another matter. It couldn't just be tamped down and ignored in hopes that it would just go away.]

[Pepper nodded in silent confirmation. Even knowing that Bucky had already told her, she found it difficult to actually say that was what had happened. But whether she could verbalize it or not, her thoughts ran along the same lines as Natasha's. She couldn't ignore it any longer. Extremis was in her, and Pepper was all too aware of how disastrous it would be to let it get out of control.

A burnt hand would be the least of it.]

I don't even know where to start anymore. [The lessons she'd been taking from Clint before were the bare bones of self-defense, enough to help her get away from an attacker. This was something entirely different, unreal and yet happening, and so completely beyond what Pepper thought could ever happen to her.]

We'll figure it out. [Still the same soft voice and Natasha gave her a faint smile of understanding, squeezing Pepper's hand in reassurance.] It obviously can be controlled and I don't know anyone more capable of that than you. You're not alone in figuring this out. And you're not the only person here who's been... fundamentally changed.

[She chooses those words oh so very carefully, only the faintest hint of hesitation in her manner because that's not information she gives. Ever. But if it could help Pepper come to terms with what had been done to her...]

[It felt so strange to hear Natasha say that. Pepper was capable of control? She closed her eyes, a bitter grin flashing across her features.] Really? Because I feel like I don't have control over anything anymore. Not even my own body. They--they put this in me, and I couldn't do anything--

[Absolutely nothing at all, except to endure the pain, to wait out whatever end came because of it.

She was caught up within her own thoughts, to the point that she almost missed that hesitation. Almost. But once that tiny pause sunk in, something so unusual from a woman Pepper always thought of as strong, she looked over to her, eyes wide with shock.]

You mean...you...? [Not Extremis, but something similar. Something done to Natasha against her will, just as had been done to Pepper.]

[She inclines her head ever so slightly, still holding Pepper's gaze, although she doesn't give voice to that acknowledgement.]

There's nothing more terrifying than being helpless. Except maybe the aftermath, when you're not sure your skin still fits you the right away. When you keep trying to be the person you were but you don't know how anymore. And you look in the mirror and it's.... exactly the same. But it's not.

[She doesn't need to utter a yes; everything Natasha says after is more than answer enough. She lays out thoughts Pepper hasn't even fully formed, feelings that have been inside of her ever since Bucky touched her and pulled away in pain. She looks the same. If Extremis isn't active, there's no way to tell she's changed.

But the awareness is still there. The question of what she's become remains unanswered.]

Then...what do you do?

Well. Some give up. [It's said with blunt honesty, although her lips twitch faintly, a grim sort of humor in her gaze.] Some can't handle it. Some let it twist them into monsters. Examples of which I'm betting you've seen already, from the sound of Killian and those he surrounds himself with.

But you're not Killian, Pepper. [She tilted her head, her gaze honest and assessing as she held Pepper's gaze.] And if he thought you a trophy, he sorely underestimated you. You're stronger than that. You don't let other people make your decisions for you. What you do now is up to you. If Extremis can be controlled, than that's what you need to learn. Think of it like... like learning to walk again. Or exercising muscles you haven't used before. It's something you've done before.

[Her own wings shift and stretch behind her in almost unconscious reaction to that reminder, but its only one example. Natasha knew she'd contacted the spirits before she'd returned home, had been learning to channel unfamiliar powers she'd never used back home. Granted, this was more dangerous, but that made it all the more necessary.]

Either way, Pepper. You're the only one who has any say in who and what you are. That hasn't changed. Make of this what you will.

[Some give up, and there’s a part of Pepper, some small part, that sincerely wants to. It’s the side that doesn’t see a reason, not when she’s alone in one world and dead in another. She doesn’t want to become a monster; instead she just wants to stop for a while. To not be.

But that’s the despair she’s been trying to fight off since the start; she knows on some fundamental level that she can’t just let go or let herself fall. Her fingers tighten around Natasha’s again, Pepper silent as she listens to the other woman. It’s strange somehow, to hear the utter faith Natasha has in her, but it’s also what she needs. Pepper isn’t a trophy, or an object for others to direct to their whims. Even though Killian had infected her she would never be his, certainly not in the way he hoped for. And maybe, maybe if Extremis can truly be controlled, she can figure out how.]

I guess it’ll be easier to contact the fire spirit now. [Eferin, always elusive during Pepper’s prior stay, now might find the affinity she lacked before. She lets out a slow breath, her eyes closing for a moment before she nods to herself.] Thank you. I needed to hear that.

[Because now having been told twice that she is the one in control of her path? Pepper thinks she might be able to start believing it again.]

[Natasha lets one hand drift lightly against Pepper's arm in a soothing motion, letting her gather her thoughts again, watching as she absorbs that information, lets her make of it what she will.]

You're welcome. And I suspect you're right. I think your chances of having an affinity for flame might have gone up exponentially. One bright side, at least.

I guess I should take what I can get. [Pepper turned to look at the clock then, letting out a soft sigh.]

You should try to go back to sleep. I have the feeling I'm going to be up for awhile. [Although she's calmer now, Pepper has no desire to close her eyes and risk another dream. At the moment, getting coffee is a far more tempting option--an irony that doesn't go missed when considering her situation back home.]

[Natasha gives her hand a squeeze and eyes her thoughtfully a moment before sliding off the bed.] I have a better idea. Sit tight for a moment.

[She vanishes and comes back after a few minutes bearing two steaming mugs, one of which she hands to Pepper. It's not coffee, but a cup of dark tea with a warm and slightly spiced aroma. She sinks back down on the bed beside the other woman, settling comfortably as she gives Pepper a crooked smile.]

Try this. It sometimes helps me when I'm having difficulty sleeping.

[Pepper nods just before Natasha goes, wondering what the woman has in mind. She doesn't have to wait too long, and a faint smile plays across her lips as she takes the offered mug, curling her hands around it.]

Does it help keep dreams at bay, too? [Because it's not a matter of not being tired for Pepper. She draws the mug closer, inhaling the fragrance of the tea.] It smells very nice.

Sometimes it does. [Natasha gives her a small smile as she settles in next to her, sipping from her own cup of tea.] It helps quiet your thoughts. Relaxes you. Sometimes that's ample enough encouragement to keep the nightmares at bay.

Then I'll take it. [She follows Natasha's lead, slowly sipping the hot drink. The warmth is nice, the flavor on her tongue, and Pepper closes her eyes as she leans back against the headboard, still cradling the mug in her hands.]

Thank you, Natasha. For everything.

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