widows_kiss | Appointments Post

"I did." Natasha's answer is easy and honest as she slides into the seat across from Pepper, folding her hands in front of her as she regards her friend with an even look. That made her suspect more than ever what was coming.

"I take it he came to see you and Tony?"

"Yeah."

Does she already know? In the months, nearly a year since they started sharing time in Luceti, Pepper's finds it easy to forget sometimes that Natasha is a spy. It just doesn't hold the same relevance--except, she supposes, in moments like these. Spies keep secrets from everyone.

Pepper is a part of everyone.

"He told me you stopped him. That you knew." She can't keep the emotion out of her voice any longer. Pepper's hands tighten where she's folded them in her lap, and she leans forward, staring down the other woman.

"Why didn't you tell me it was Billy?"

Natasha met her gaze, anticipating the anger and accusation from the other woman. She had a right to it.

"I didn't know. Not before I stopped him. Suspected, maybe. At least once Teddy showed up and things started standing out as seeming... off. And afterwards..." She pauses, lets her voice trail off as she searches for the right words. Not that anything could make this right.

Finally, she meets Pepper's gaze, giving a quiet sigh. "It wasn't my information to tell. It was Billy's. And Teddy's, perhaps, but mostly Billy's. I know he wasn't in the right state of mind to tell you - to tell anyone, really - those first few days. And I considered it. But you were already so hurt by what had happened, Pepper. I couldn't..."

She stops again before pushing the words out and it was harder to hold Pepper's gaze now, but they were words she needed to say. "I'm sorry for my part in ending it. I would do the same thing again, but that doesn't mean I don't regret what was lost. All of it."

“But even after.” Because Pepper knows in her heart that nothing would have convinced her of the truth before the illusion ended. Susie had been far too precious, far too important for Pepper to have just believed she wasn’t real. Not when she could still hold her child in her arms. It wouldn’t have mattered how long Natasha knew before the end, even if she had.

But this wasn’t the first time they talked after her world shattered. Not by a long shot, and the reasons Natasha offers just aren’t good enough. “I think he lost the right to that much consideration when he did what he did.” Even with all the best intentions that Pepper knows Billy had, she isn’t ready to forgive him. She doesn’t know when she will be.

Billy isn’t the one she’s facing now, however. Pepper can’t let herself think about the fact that Natasha played a role in Susanna’s death, not in any real way. And she knows Natasha lost a great deal along with the rest of them—perhaps more in some ways, since she helped to unravel it all. But still, still, it feels like that same wound has been ripped open all over, like every bit of healing that she and Tony have worked so hard for has been undone in just the same way—all because of one secret.

“We had a right to know the truth. You of all people should have understood that.” Since Natasha is the only one who even suspects the heart of why Pepper was so hurt by this. “Yes I was hurting, but at least I could’ve known the real reason why.”

Natasha leaned back in her seat, her hands resting lightly on the tabletop, her fingers laced together as she met Pepper's gaze, took the accusations unflinchingly. Her voice is firm when she replies, completely unwavering, because if she had to do things again, she would still choose this path.

"You say that like Billy had complete control over what happened. He didn't. He set it in motion, yes, and he was the conduit for it, but he's been as much a victim of what happened as any of us. I'm not denying your right to know the truth, but it was meant to come from him, when he was able to give it. Knowing the real reason wouldn't have made you hurt any less, Pepper. It wouldn't have made what you lost any less real."

"But maybe I wouldn't have had to lose it twice." In her heart Pepper recognizes the truth of Natasha's words. The Malnosso had started this, put something in Billy he couldn't control and pulled the trigger. She knows, but that doesn't serve as a balm for any of the wounds that have reopened. "Maybe we could've been prepared, and I wouldn't have had to watch Tony fall apart all over again."

Maybe she wouldn't feel like she's on the edge of collapse herself.

"Pepper." Natasha's voice has softened a hint as she meets the other woman's gaze, still steady and composed, but there's sympathy and understanding in her gaze. Her fingers twine and loosen in an absent gesture, still visible on the table top. "I'm sorry. Everything happened so fast. I did what I needed to do, but that doesn't mean... I didn't like what I had to do. I still don't, but that doesn't make it less necessary. I felt - I still feel - that this needed to come from Billy himself. I'm just sorry that it made this hurt worse for you."

"No; it didn't happen fast at all." Perhaps events that Pepper didn't know about had gone by rapidly, but this wasn't a choice Natasha held to for a matter of minutes. Weeks had gone by, marked by so many moments that felt like agony under her skin. Especially at the beginning, when every single second felt sharper than the pain of torture she'd been put through at home. She'd been burned alive, and what Billy had done was still so much worse. But things had actually started to get better; they'd started to heal, and then this.

Pepper shook her head, wondering if the woman across from her really understood just how long it had been. What those thirty days had been filled with.

"I trusted you. More than anyone besides Tony." She swallowed back emotions that were too strong, her gaze lowering to the table for a moment, just a moment before she could meet Natasha's eyes again. Her composure was cracking, nails biting into her palms from where she had her hands closed too tightly. Pepper moved to her feet, knowing she couldn't stay here any longer. She couldn't do this, because the apologies weren't enough. They just--weren't.

"I know." Natasha stays where she is, her voice quiet, her gaze taking in the signs of Pepper's crumbling composure. She doesn't offer another apology - words aren't going to fix this. At the moment, she's not sure what will, beyond more time, and that... hadn't worked so well the first time around. She'd made her choice, there wasn't anything she could do about it now.

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